Your Messenger message:

"Prof. Tony, good morning. I would like to seek your advice on something --- after years of emotional abuse and numerous betrayals by my 'mother' (e.g., always siding with people who have wronged me while I took care of her and provided for her into her 60s), I have confronted them countless times and now, I finally had the courage to move away from her and the rest of the dysfunctional 'family' who have caused me to be dysfunctional myself. This has caused me to be distrustful of people and it has definitely given me a very low sense of self-worth. I have kept my distance from those who show me appreciation and affection (friends and former lovers) because I do not think I am worthy of such. I do not discount my own responsibility for my life and my decisions and so I decided to set boundaries, break away and start anew. It had gotten so bad that I got depressed over the years..lashing out at others highschool... In college and in my early years as a professional... for which I have been taking a prescribed SSRI... I see a shrink. There has been a lot of improvement, thank God.

"At the back of my mind, I think it is too painful to realize that those who should have provided me with basic emotional security treated me with such betrayal over the years...this includes directly emotionally abusing me or constantly siding with people who have abused me and those who have maligned me. This is something my 'mother' is good at. I think she enjoys it also... Since I have been critical of her over the years because of what she has done to me, she gets a real kick out of the fact that I have been taking care of her while she shows me that she does not care about how people malign me, she will still continue to entertain and befriend them all. When your child tells you how you have damaged him/her and you still act the same, I think it's clear that there is real malice, right? I told her she cannot have her cake and eat it too and I moved away. It is upsetting that when confronted about it, no admission and apology is given to me. I try to reconcile this with the thought that maybe this is something that I have to experience and learn from -- in this lifetime. How do I now process all these bad experiences so that I can move forward with my life with a good outlook and also trust people again?

"As a private reference, here is an example of the confrontation with my 'mother' that happened recently via messenger (to protect myself, I try to make sure that interactions are recorded electronically) Me: 'Sayo naman yang bahay. Pwede mo na i-press release na magre-retire ka dyan. Beg off na ako sa pagpunta dyan. Kaya nga humiwalay na ako kasi hindi ko naman pwedeng hayaan na lahat ng masama ang intensyon sa akin at sinisiraan ako, yun pa ang mga taong madalas mong pakisamahan, kahit ilang beses ko nang sinabi na magpaka nanay ka. kaya nga nagpatingin ako sa doktor at umiinom ako ng gamot dahil psychologically maapektohan ako sa mga ginagawa nyo sa akin. Hindi kasi kita mapagkakatiwalaan to have my best interest. Kahit siguro sa mga magkakaibigan, not a good friend ka sa ginagawa mo sa akin. you want your cake and eat it too. meron bang nanay na ganon? Pag sinabi ng anak na May hindi magandang ginaw si ganito at si ganon, ang sasabihin mo, ayaw mo ng kaaway. At lagi ka pang kasali sa lahat ng greeting nila pag bday o kung anu man okasyon. Kahit siguro aso marunong magpaka nanay. And I'm sure tuloy ka pa rin sa bonding sa mga naninira sa akin, libreng libre ka na, hindi mo na kailangan kunyari magtago sa labas para makipagtawagan sa kanila kasi umalis na ako dyan sa bahay.'

"Thanks for giving me a way to continuously seek your inputs on random things and personal issues"

My reply:

Hello ___!

You've already confronted your mother and broken off ties with your dysfunctional family. It takes balls to do that, and I congratulate you.

At this point, you cannot rush your healing It takes time.

You've learned to trust yourself because you love yourself. That is one step closer to trusting others. Yes, love is the secret ingredient.

Do not be afraid to love others. They will betray you from time to time, but that's all right as long as you never betray yourself again. .